The Doug Noll Show

What’s the first thing that happens to you when you get into a fight or conflict? If you are like me and most every one else, you get mad. So the first thing I tell people is that Serious Fights Will Piss You Off! Once you can recognize that fights, conflicts and disputes are emotional events in our lives, things can shift and with this awareness come choices. So in this show, let’s explore some of the emotion around fighting and see what can be learned from it.

Our early warning system is programmable by life experience. That programming starts at birth and continues as life experiences accumulate. Most importantly, the programming occurs without our conscious knowledge or choice. Let’s look at how this happens.

While bad news is that we have been programmed without our consent or knowledge, the good news is that we can re-progam ourselves. The first step in re-programming our brains is gaining awareness of our reactivity. Learning to be aware is simple because many of the things that trigger you repeat themselves over and over. All you have to do is identify them one at a time and become of aware of them as they arise in everyday life. Listen and learn how we do it.

Who controls your reality? You? Or Life? It is not what happens to you in life that determines whether you are pissed off or happy. It is how your brain perceives and directs reality that makes it so. Learn how we control the choices of life and how we can use that power to gain inner peace.

Violence is an all too common response to conflict. Doesn’t matter whether the violence is at home, on the streets, or between countries… it doesn’t solve conflicts. So why are we violent? What are the causes of violence and what can we do to transform potentially violent situations into peaceful resolutions? In this show, we will take some time to understand what violence is all about.

In our culture, violence is strangely seductive. Take last summer’s Bruce Willis movie, Live Free or Die Hard also known as Die Hard 4. People really enjoyed it as a fast-paced, action movie. What they don’t realize is that the Die Hard movies are a perfect example of the Myth of Redemptive Violence, a social theory that describes why violence is so seductive in our culture. Let’s learn how, as a society, we vicariously revere violence and find it deeply satisfying. We even teach this to our children in the cartoons they watch.

What can we do to stop the violence? It’s easy and it’s hard: Love the children … do everything you can to love them, hold them, hug them, and make them feel safe and protected, especially when they are very small and vulnerable. The children in your life need your time and energy. Your sons, daughters, grandsons garnddaughters, your niece, younger brother. The children you teach, coach and mentor. All need you to help them grow into healthy young adults. We learn how loving children stops violence..amazing isn’t it—that love can actually stop violence..Tune in and learn why.

Continuation of Segment 3.

Ever noticed how in an argument or fight, the conflict usually seems to escalate rather than calm down? In this show, we will be looking at conflict escalation—why arguments and fights become heated. We start some recent studies about the brain and beliefs, look at the goals people bring to conflict, and then discuss the five stages of conflict escalation. Finally, we share some of the secrets of how peacemakers de-escalate conflicts.

In this show, we will be looking at conflict escalation—why arguments and fights become heated.

In this show, we will be looking at conflict escalation—why arguments and fights become heated.

In this show, we will be looking at conflict escalation—why arguments and fights become heated.

Anger and conflict go hand in hand. Every argument involves anger and anger is part of life. Why do we become angry? How can we deal with our own anger? How do we deal with the anger of others? And how do we deal with people in our lives that are perpetually angry? In this show, we look at anger from the perspective of the peacemaker. There are four kinds of anger and each reflects a very different behavior. Of course, angry behavior is rooted in neuropsychology, so we look at the brain’s fear response system as a source of anger in the brain. In dealing with anger, we look at our own anger and its causes. Likewise, we look at other people’s anger and talk about how we might work with it. Finally, we consider the problem of violent anger and how to respond and not respond to it. Tune in for an informative show.

Continued Anger Discussion

Continued Anger Discussion

Continued Anger Discussion

With my guest host Aleya Dao, I talk about triggers as the fundamental cause of conflict. Learn how to detect your triggers, acknowledge and accept them, and then learn from them. With a few weeks practice, you can become a conscious peacemaker. I also introduce The Peacemaker’s Bookshelf. This week, I review Eric Galton’s "Ripples on Peace Lake".

Fear is a good thing when you might be facing a sabre-toothed tiger. It motivates you to do something: Fight or Flee or disappear into the landscape by freezing. However, fear in our complex modern society can, and often is, debilitating. Drug addiction, relationship problems, violence and abuse, and even war are all caused in large part by unconscious reactions to fear. So one of the central components of transforming conflicts of all kinds into peace is working with fear. My guest on this show has helped people deal with their fears for over a quarter century. Helene Rothschild earned a Bachelor and Master of Science Degree in Health Education at Brooklyn College, in Brooklyn, New York and she taught in High School for six years. She received a Master of Arts degree in Marriage, Family, Child Counseling from the University of Santa Clara, in Santa Clara, CA. For 26 years she has been counseling, speaking, and teaching her unique therapeutic technique. Helene's goal is to assist people all over the world to "love themselves to peace" which she believes to be the key to health, happiness, success, and our greatest contribution to world peace. She has been a published author since 1985. Her newest book is a manual for life. The title is, "ALL YOU NEED IS H A R T!, Create Joy, Love and Abundance NOW!" A Unique Guide to Holistic And Rapid Transformation is available on her website www.lovetopeace.com. The key to inner peace is to get in touch with your fear and then release it. Helene and I talk about how most fear-driven behaviors originate in early childhood. Early experiences create scripts that play over and over throughout our lives, creating emotional chaos.
http://www.lovetopeace.com

In any intimate relationship, there are really three relationships. Two of the relationships are relationships we have with ourselves. No relationship will truly be intimate unless both of the partners have high self-esteem. In other words, Helene says, they have a good relationship with themselves. The third relationship is based on communication—the bridge between the partners. When a relationship is dysfunctional, it is because there is low self-esteem or poor communication. When anger arises it is an indicator of fear, hurt, or powerlessness. In relationship conflicts, the key to good communication is being able to say how you feel, e.g., “I feel afraid.” “You” statements should only be used to compliment; otherwise, there is blaming and accusing.
http://www.lovetopeace.com

We talk about how fear manifests in the physical body. Helene tells us that our physical body is a literal map of our emotional state. By focusing on the fear associated with the part of our body that hurts, we can release the emotion and heal. Doug asks Helene about fear theat drives indecision. Helene tells us that we can overcome the fear of making a wrong decision by letting our Higher Self make the decision from love. She says that this is the essence of intuition or right brain processing. We too often ignore this part of our experience. By listening to our intuition, we can actually make decisions from a place of love rather a place of fear.
http://www.lovetopeace.com

Doug asks Helene how parents can be better at raising their children in a fear-free environment. Helene says that people have to learn to be parents. That requires reading, going to class, and studying. Many people are not able or willing to work hard at learning to be good parents. As a result, they pass their fears and scripts on to their children and the children end up with scripts of low self-esteem.
http://www.lovetopeace.com