The Doug Noll Show

Family fights can be the most intense, hostile disputes we face. In this show, Doug gives examples of various types of family fights and how they were resolved. His stories include fights over the care of elderly parents, business fights, and fights arising from greed. The secret to transforming these conflicts involve acknowledging the dispute, bringing people together, and sharing stories that are always incomplete and unfinished. Most of the time, even the worst fights can be resolved peacefully, but Doug tells of one family that simply could not find peace because the greed level was too high to overcome. Listen in as the master peacemaker talks about family fights and what can be done about them.

Family fights can be the most intense, hostile disputes we face.

Family fights can be the most intense, hostile disputes we face.

Family fights can be the most intense, hostile disputes we face.

There are many conflicts in our lives that go unresolved and unreconciled. Sometimes, time heals. We can forgive and move on. However, what happens when a mother or father, brother or sister, or other close relative or friend is dying and you have unresolved issues between you? Is it possible to find peace, to reconcile, and to let go? In this show, we look at making peace with the dying. We talk about how to reconcile old injustices, fights, disputes, and issues with people who are dying. Join us for a conversation about how to make peace with the dying.

How to reconcile old injustices, fights, disputes, and issues with people who are dying.

How to reconcile old injustices, fights, disputes, and issues with people who are dying.

How to reconcile old injustices, fights, disputes, and issues with people who are dying.

Mothers-in-law are the stuff comedy acts are made of, but for anyone who's suffered at the hands of their monster-in-law, it's no laughing matter. Sally Shields should know - her rocky relationship with her mother-in-law had her dreading holidays and avoiding phone calls. Things turned around for Shields when she discovered easy tricks for transforming this contentious relationship, and how a scarf and a shower curtain factored into her successful equation. Sally Shields is an author, speaker, award-winning pianist and composer. She is the recipient of the Editor's Choice Award from the International Library of Poetry, and a frequent contributor to various magazines. Winner of the 17th annual Great American Jazz Piano Competition, her first book, Modern Jazz Piano, is the standard theory manual for several music programs, including Princeton University. She performs worldwide, most recently with bestselling author and musician James McBride. Shields was a finalist in the John Lennon Songwriting Contest and her music is currently featured on the ABC TV daytime drama All My Children. Her latest book is THE DAUGHTER-IN-LAW RULES: 101 Surefire Ways to Manage (and Make Friends with) Your Mother-in-Law! Doug and Sally talk about how Sally learned to turn a frustrating and unhappy relationship with her mother-in-law to one of friendship and happiness. Sally’s moment of truth came when her husband told he was tired of being in the middle of the two of them. From that point on, Sally looked at every zinger that hit her as an opportunity to learn and grow.
http://www.theDILRules.com

Sally explains that she learned three principles about her relationship with her mother-in-law. First, she had to learn to reach out. Sally realized that her mother-in-law was just as self-conscious as she was. Second, Sally learned that she had to be authentically nice, even when the zingers hurt. Finally, Sally learned that she, not her mother-in-law, had to go outside her comfort zone to make the effort to build a great relationship. Doug explains how these principles are really fundamental peacemaking skills and attitudes applicable in any conflict.
http://www.theDILRules.com

Sally tells stories about how she learned to create peace with her mother-in-law. Sally says she learned to borrow something, ask for advice on a trivial matter (and follow it), and call Mom weekly. On Mom’s special days, her birthday and Mother’s Day, send a card and flowers, with the card being written by husband. Sally explains how to ghost write the card, buty the flowers, and set everything up to look like its coming from husband, the son. Mom will know and the DIL will get a lot of brownie points. Doug wonders whether young wives worry about subservience to mothers-in-law. Sally points out that she chooses to engage with Mom on her terms to create friendship, respect, and peace. That means, says Sally, that you have to be willing to be a bit vulnerable. It doesn’t mean that you become a doormat.
http://www.theDILRules.com

Sally gives out three more important tips: Don’t criticize Mom in front of the husband, ever; use INCS to solve immediate issues with Mom, and don’t imitate Mom where anyone but your closest girl friend can hear you. INCS means Identify the problem, Make a Note of it, Create a Rule of Behavior for yourself when it happens, Solve the problem. Sally’s book THE DAUGHTER-IN-LAW RULES: 101 Surefire Ways to Manage (and Make Friends with) Your Mother-in-Law! is available onher website, www.theDILRules.com and Amazon.
http://www.theDILRules.com

The covers of Time and Newsweek have described parents as living in “mayhem” and “madness” with their children. TV’s Supernanny regularly captures kids wildly, unbelievably out of control. How did our families get to such a state? Peacemaking begins in the home and if kids are out of control there, what can we expect in school and later in careers and workplaces. Dr. Beth Grosshans, a clinical psychologist and author of the newly released book "Beyond Time Out: From Chaos to Calm", is here to help us gain the power to restore peace and dignity with unruly and out of control children in ways that do not involved spanking or abuse of power. Dr. Grosshans is currently in private practice in Princeton, NJ, where she works with children, adolescents, and families. She received her Masters and Doctoral Degrees from The Ohio State University and completed her Clinical Internship at Children's Hospital Boston and The Judge Baker Children's Center of Harvard Medical School. Dr. Grosshans provides consultation to Montessori school personnel and parents as a child behavior specialist. In her 16 years of practice, Dr. Grosshans learned that the common denominator of parental descriptions of chaos within families, centered around the concept of power. When kids had more power than their parents, the imbalance of family power led to incredible dysfunction. Amazingly, Dr. Grosshans learned that when parents reasserted leadership and brought back power to themselves, all of the bad behaviors and symptoms of the children went away. The power ingredient in family dynamics is not well understood. Dr. Grosshans tells Doug that power is a positive force. Kids are hardwired to want power, to test what it is, and to figure out what gives them influence in the world. Typically, the quest for power in children is initiated by the mother child relationship.

Dr. Grosshans and Doug's talk about five core aspects about power in the family.
• Parents are naturally and inherently more powerful than their children.Dr. Grosshans and Doug's talk about five core aspects about power in the family.
• Parents are naturally and inherently more powerful than their children.
• Kids are hardwired to seek out power. • Kids resist what they need the most, guidance, leadership and restraint.
• Families are always a hierarchy -- they are not democracies. The parents must always be on top.
• No matter how smart or precocious kids are, they do not use power well.
• Kids are hardwired to seek out power.
• Kids resist what they need the most, guidance, leadership and restraint.
• Families are always a hierarchy -- they are not democracies. The parents must always be on top.
• No matter how smart or precocious kids are, they do not use power well.

The central question is, how do parents get past yelling, screaming, and threatening to reassert power over children. Kids learn that their bad behavior is a powerful trigger. This is an unconscious process. Most kids are not intentional or malicious when they are acting out their power struggles. The key for parents is to understand that a child cannot lead a parent out of an imbalance in family power. The parent has the sole responsibility for reestablishing power in the family.

Dr. Grosshans talks about a five step process that she calls The Ladder. The the first three rungs of the ladder are:
• Making A Friendly Bid for Cooperation. This is done by asking a child to do something or stop doing something in a tone of voice that is nice, and invites cooperation.
• "I Mean Business " reminder. If the child is not comply after Rung 1, Dr. Grosshans recommends that the parent change the tone of voice to a much more firm stance.
• In The Bedroom. In this third step, parents must move from words to action. In this case, a parent would, for example, move close to the child, and escort the child to a bedroom. The problem is the parents rely too much on talking and reasoning to elicit cooperative behavior. Children are simply incapable of responding rationally when a power struggle is in play.

The last two rungs in the ladder are:
• Shut The Door. This step is used when a child is resisting a timeout or is disobedient and wants to run out of room. The child is restrained without physical
force, but by simply shutting the child in. • The Parent Hold. When child is really acting out, the conventional wisdom of parental guidance says to walk away. Dr. Grosshans tells Doug to do the opposite. Approach the child approached a child with love and pull him or her close and a loving embrace. Hold the child until she calms down.

Understanding power, and the five aspects of power will help parents regain peace and harmony within their families.