The Doug Noll Show

We expect kids up through their teens to fight with their parents. Its part of growing up and learning. But what we don’t expect are the fights between adult children and their parents. In this show, my co-host, Aleya Dao, and I take up this troublesome issue. Why do adult children fight with their parents? And how can those fights be transformed into peace. We start by identifying some of the common themes of fights between adult children and their parents, including health, money, alcohol and drug abuse, second (or third) spouses, child rearing including discipline, education, and religion, opinions about children’s spouses, and politics.

What are the hidden relationship issues? These issues drive many of the fights, and we are not aware of them. They include respect manifested by disrespect, insults; freedom manifested by unhealthy control; autonomy manifested by unhealthy or manipulative power; safety manifested by fear; love manifested by smothering and guilt; and abundance manifested by hoarding, stinginess, not being generous.

What are the hidden identity issues? They include self-esteem manifested by competition, self-worth manifested by arrogance rather than humility, gratitude and appreciation manifested by resentment, commitment to self manifested by selfishness, self-control manifested by guilt, healthy pride and self-esteem manifested by shame.

Some simple questions indicate much about how adult children respond to their parents. For example:
• Who am I if I am not my mother?
• Who is my father closer to - me or mother?
• What can I do so that my mother accepts me as an adult?
• Is it OK to be happier than my mother?
• Why do I want my mother's approval?