The Doug Noll Show

The covers of Time and Newsweek have described parents as living in “mayhem” and “madness” with their children. TV’s Supernanny regularly captures kids wildly, unbelievably out of control. How did our families get to such a state? Peacemaking begins in the home and if kids are out of control there, what can we expect in school and later in careers and workplaces. Dr. Beth Grosshans, a clinical psychologist and author of the newly released book "Beyond Time Out: From Chaos to Calm", is here to help us gain the power to restore peace and dignity with unruly and out of control children in ways that do not involved spanking or abuse of power. Dr. Grosshans is currently in private practice in Princeton, NJ, where she works with children, adolescents, and families. She received her Masters and Doctoral Degrees from The Ohio State University and completed her Clinical Internship at Children's Hospital Boston and The Judge Baker Children's Center of Harvard Medical School. Dr. Grosshans provides consultation to Montessori school personnel and parents as a child behavior specialist. In her 16 years of practice, Dr. Grosshans learned that the common denominator of parental descriptions of chaos within families, centered around the concept of power. When kids had more power than their parents, the imbalance of family power led to incredible dysfunction. Amazingly, Dr. Grosshans learned that when parents reasserted leadership and brought back power to themselves, all of the bad behaviors and symptoms of the children went away. The power ingredient in family dynamics is not well understood. Dr. Grosshans tells Doug that power is a positive force. Kids are hardwired to want power, to test what it is, and to figure out what gives them influence in the world. Typically, the quest for power in children is initiated by the mother child relationship.

Dr. Grosshans and Doug's talk about five core aspects about power in the family.
• Parents are naturally and inherently more powerful than their children.Dr. Grosshans and Doug's talk about five core aspects about power in the family.
• Parents are naturally and inherently more powerful than their children.
• Kids are hardwired to seek out power. • Kids resist what they need the most, guidance, leadership and restraint.
• Families are always a hierarchy -- they are not democracies. The parents must always be on top.
• No matter how smart or precocious kids are, they do not use power well.
• Kids are hardwired to seek out power.
• Kids resist what they need the most, guidance, leadership and restraint.
• Families are always a hierarchy -- they are not democracies. The parents must always be on top.
• No matter how smart or precocious kids are, they do not use power well.

The central question is, how do parents get past yelling, screaming, and threatening to reassert power over children. Kids learn that their bad behavior is a powerful trigger. This is an unconscious process. Most kids are not intentional or malicious when they are acting out their power struggles. The key for parents is to understand that a child cannot lead a parent out of an imbalance in family power. The parent has the sole responsibility for reestablishing power in the family.

Dr. Grosshans talks about a five step process that she calls The Ladder. The the first three rungs of the ladder are:
• Making A Friendly Bid for Cooperation. This is done by asking a child to do something or stop doing something in a tone of voice that is nice, and invites cooperation.
• "I Mean Business " reminder. If the child is not comply after Rung 1, Dr. Grosshans recommends that the parent change the tone of voice to a much more firm stance.
• In The Bedroom. In this third step, parents must move from words to action. In this case, a parent would, for example, move close to the child, and escort the child to a bedroom. The problem is the parents rely too much on talking and reasoning to elicit cooperative behavior. Children are simply incapable of responding rationally when a power struggle is in play.

The last two rungs in the ladder are:
• Shut The Door. This step is used when a child is resisting a timeout or is disobedient and wants to run out of room. The child is restrained without physical
force, but by simply shutting the child in. • The Parent Hold. When child is really acting out, the conventional wisdom of parental guidance says to walk away. Dr. Grosshans tells Doug to do the opposite. Approach the child approached a child with love and pull him or her close and a loving embrace. Hold the child until she calms down.

Understanding power, and the five aspects of power will help parents regain peace and harmony within their families.

Fighting among children is not new. Nevertheless, there is a big difference between sibling spats and learning the skills of peacemaking. How do we teach children to resolve conflicts peacefully? How do we give them the values peace, collaboration, and cooperation? And how do we do this while empowering them to make good choices and judgments about their relationships with peers and adults? These are tough questions and Doug’s guest gives us some answers. Naomi Drew is recognized around the world for her work in conflict resolution and peacemaking. She is the author of six widely used books. Her landmark book, Learning the Skills of Peacemaking was one of the first to introduce peacemaking into public education. “Peaceful Parents,” Naomi’s on-line newsletter, has a broad international readership. The Kids' Guide to Working Out Conflicts, the latest of her six books, was honored with four national awards including the National Parenting Publications Gold Award for Children's Resources. Naomi talks about an epidemic of cruelty sweeping through the school systems. Recent surveys show that 80 percent of middle school and 75 percent of primary school kids say that kids are mean to each other on a consistent and persistent basis. This epidemic is relatively new and seems to be caused by chronic stress and fear and by media emphasis on violence, cruelty, meanness, and sarcasm as being cool ways of dealing with conflicts. To a kid, meanness and sarcasm look cool and hip.

Doug and Naomi talk about reactivity as a central cause of conflict. Naomi teaches a technique to kids she calls Stop, Breathe, and Chill. The idea is to rehearse situations where you might be put down, treated cruelly, or disrespected and practice being less reactive. Naomi teaches kids how to replace angry thoughts with calm thoughts. Doug and Naomi talk about how violence creates a perception of power, but has the opposite effect. Violence actually takes power away from the offender.

Doug asks Naomi about bullying. In the survey research, 40-50% of the kids said that bullying is a serious problem. Naomi tells Doug that bullying causes depression, is related to suicide, and has been linked to the school shootings of the past 10 years. Naomi believes that schools must adopt and enforce an anti-bullying culture. Essentially, kids have to be taught to be kind and compassionate with each other. Doug and Naomi talk about how important teachers are in modeling kindness, compassion, and non-bullying behaviors. Doug asks Naomi about cyber-bullying. Naomi says that this is hugh unintended consequence of instantaneous communication. Through cell phones, text messaging, social network sites, cell cameras and the like, kids can catch other kids in embarrassing or stupid moments and broadcast that to 50 or 100 or an entire school in seconds. All kids are now highly sensitive to the fact that anything they do or say can be turned against them. This is breeding a new form of fear and paranoia among kids. Naomi talks of as a Lord of the Flies mentality as kids armor themselves against bullying and embarrassment. The challenge is to teach kids not to respond tit for tat. Kids subject to cyber bullying have some options open to them.

Doug asks Naomi about the difference between a bystander and an upstander. Naomi teaches kids how to intervene in bullying and effective techniques for defusing difficult social encounters.

FaceBook, YouTube, cell phones and text messaging. This is definitely NOT your father’s high school experience or even yours. There’s an overload of negative images being thrust upon today’s teens. The family conflicts arising from these images are intense and painful for everyone. My guest on the July 24, 2008 edition of the The Doug Noll Show talks with me about how invaluable taking a more positive approach to parenting can be. Research has shown that if teens have the skills to know who they truly are and believe in themselves, they are less likely to hurt themselves or others. Judee Ausnow, a dynamic grandmother with a gift for connecting with teens and their parents, has written a book, Drama is Optional—A Guide for Teens. In this segment, we talk about how to teach your teen the power of positive thoughts. If only we would take the time when a child turns 12 to explain what the teen years are about, what to expect, and give some guidelines for life, our teens would be much happier and prepared to deal with life.

Judee and I talk about how our internal reality creates our external reality. Teens can be asked a simple question: “How well is life working for you right now?” The follow-up question is “What thoughts are associated with how you are experiencing life right now?” For most teens, connecting the dots between their internal thought patterns and their external life is a huge eye-opener.

One of the problems presented by text messaging, IM, and cell phones is that if a kid embarrasses herself or does something her peers think is stupid, everyone knows about it right away. Modern technology has allowed communication to occur so fast that there is no time to cool down. Because insecure kids build themselves up by putting other kids down (the classic bully or Mean Girl), fast ridicule is the name of the game. Judee and I talk about the best defenses for a teen. One simple defense is a morning affirmation. Look in the mirror and say “I love you.” In the beginning, this will feel hollow and fake, but after awhile the affirmation will sink in. Conflicts are inevitable with teens. Judee and I talk about how to negotiate with a teen. Working out a plan or decision with input from both the parents and the teen lead to much better behaviors and agreements. Unfortunately, too many parents do not take the time to involve their teens in decision-making, leading to feelings of disrespect, anger, and even lower self-esteem.

Weight is a big issue with teens, especially with girls. Judee’s advice to teens is to simply eat breakfast and lunch in normal portions and be sure to eat dinner 3 hours before bed. Just getting into normal eating habits can help, along with exercise. Kids have to learn to take personal responsibility for their weight. They can learn this by imagining themselves the way they want to be, again reinforcing the idea that thoughts lead to changes in reality.