The Doug Noll Show

Ever wonder where bigotry, stereotyping, and prejudice come from? Children are not born racist or sexist or as religious zealots; they are taught how to be that way. Usually, the teaching is indirect and by way of example from adults. If we want children to grow with tolerance, understanding, and acceptance of diversity among us, we have to be active teachers. My guest is doing just that. Matt Faulkner is a talented and clever picture book maker for children. His children’s book, "A Taste for Colored Water", arose out his lifelong exploraton of race and societal intolerance.

A graduate of Rhode Island School of Design, Matt has written and illustrated a number of children's books. His work has won wide praise for its humor, exuberance and sensitivity. In addition, he is a contributing illustrator to such national periodicals as The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal and Forbes. Matt currently lives in Northern California on San Francisco Bay with his son Gabe and their two cats Rosie and Leo. He teaches illustration at the Art Academy University in San Francisco.

In this segment, we talk about how Matt got into writing and illustrating children’s books. That leads to a conversation about the importance of teaching children about art in school.

Matt gives us a synopsis of his new children’s book, "A Taste of Colored Water". We learn that two 6 year olds, Jelly and Lulu, hear of a colored water fountain from their friend Abbey. They pester Uncle Jack for a ride into town. While Uncle Jack is buying a part for his tractor, Lulu and Jelly find the colored water fountain, which is next to the courthouse. Of course, the water fountain has a sign over it saying “Colored” and we see that Lulu and Jelly are living in the segregated south in the Civil Rights era. The children are confronted by a police officer with a vicious dog, told to stay away from the water fountain, and run back to Uncle Jack’s truck. What is not in the text is told Matt’s illustrations. During all of this, we see a non-violent civil rights protest and parade being broken up with fire hoses squirting water and knocking the protesters down.

Matt and I talk a bit about the stereotyping of the south. He tells us that he has been confronted about that stereotyping, but says that growing up Boston taught him that being a black African American was not a good thing.

We talk about the lessons that children can be taught from "A Taste of Colored Water". Matt describes some of the simple examples he gives to children that he reads to.

The Peacemaker’s Bookshelf looked at the book "Living Deeply: The Art and Science of Transofrmation in Everyday Life" by Marilyn Schlitz, Cassandra Vieten, and Tina Amorok

Matt’s son Gabe is 16 years old and is a minority student himself, a white kid in black school. Matt and I talk about how to help Gabe negotiate the shoals of bigotry. Matt tells us that he helps Gabe understand that the basis of bigotry and intolerance is fear. Once that is understood, handling racism becomes more manageable as the core issues of fear are accepted and acknowledged.

Leadership is a quality that many claim to have but unfortunately seems to be in short supply. How many of us can say that our bosses inspire us, support us, help us improve, and motivate us to do our very best? And honestly, how many of us really work at leadership ourselves, at home, at work, or in the community? Leadership is important and its particularly important for solving problems and effectively working out disputes and conflicts in the office. We are going to look at leadership through the eyes of an expert.
Craig W. Ross is President of Pathways to Leadership Inc., a leadership development company in business for over 15 years. For almost a decade, Craig has partnered with CEOs and high-level executives around the world to increase productivity and bottom line results through the development of healthy work cultures. Craig brings high energy and a dynamic approach to executive coaching, keynotes and the transformational Pathways to Leadership® program he facilitates to companies worldwide including Owens-Illinois, Procter & Gamble, Gerber, Nestlé, Mazda Motor Company, CIBA Vision and many others.Craig has a B.A. in English from the University of Minnesota and M.A. in Curriculum Instruction and Design from Colorado Christian University. The three attributes of great leadership are self-awareness/self-control, the ability to communicate with some charisma, and the ability to focus people’s minds on what is important.
http://www.pathwaystoleadership.com/

Focus-foward questions are one way to focus minds out of the past and into the future. He ability to ask well-phrased and well-timed questions is a leadership skill that pays huge dividends. We will always focus on a good question and leaders learn to use our innate curiosity through good questions.
http://www.pathwaystoleadership.com/

Jerks in the office are a huge problem. Dysfunctional office behaviors cost billions of dollars each year in lost productivity, not to mention lawsuits and claims. The real secret to dealing with the elephant in the office is to not fix people. Instead, develop some self-awareness. Am I focused on that jerk? If so, why? Can I put my focus in a more productive place? Teaching people how to do that is a critical part of leadership. Trying to fix people or setting down behavioral rules are simply not effective. Thus, leaders have to be thinking about working with the minds in the office to deal with the elephants.
The Peacemaker’s Bookshelf looked at the book Mediating Dangerously by Kenneth Cloke.
http://www.pathwaystoleadership.com/

A caller asked if the elephants ever go away. Doug felt that the elephants never go away and always provide us with lessons to learn about being aware, conscious, and even spiritual. Craig agreed and felt that elephants come in different shapes and sizes. As we learn to deal with the elephants through our own increasing awareness, they become less of a problem.
http://www.pathwaystoleadership.com/

Marilyn and I talk about conflicts. We observe that conflicts are often necessary to point out things that need to change. Conflict is also an opportunity for spiritual growth. Cat calls in from North Carolina and adds her sense that conflict is necessary and how we approach conflict determines whether it is healthy or destructive. We begin to talk about what listening is really about. Marilyn points out that because so many of us live in fear, listening is very difficult.
http://www.reenchantplanetearth.com

Marilyn talks about listening with your whole body. By this, she means that we have to listen to ourselves as well as listen to what the other person is saying. Listening to ourselves means being aware of every emotion and feeling as it passes through us. At the same time, we are aware of the emotions flowing through the other person. This is a bit challenging in the beginning, but, as Doug points out, becomes like riding a bicycle with practice.
http://www.reenchantplanetearth.com

Not everyone is aware of what they are feeling in the moment. One of the basic tools of peacemaking is to create a safe, sacred space where feelings can be experienced without fear. Lynn calls in from Long Island and points out that this can allow people to speak honestly and authentically. Marilyn gives the example of a conversation with the principal of her step-son’s school. Marilyn observed that the principal was listening to her own fear rather than listening to her step-son. Once the principal understood the concept of listening, the conversation completely changed. Doug asks Marilyn about her energy model. Marilyn describes the work of Stewart Gellis and the being energy, the doing energy, and the dreaming energy. Being energy is about connection and relationship. Doing energy is about action, critical thinking, and analysis. Dreaming energy is about creativity. We tend to live in one energy to the exclusion of others, which leads to imbalances in life. When we are living in the three energies simultaneously, we are in balance with the Universe. When one or more of the energies is missing, conflict arises. One model of peacemaking suggests that peace comes from re-balancing and awakening the missing energies.
http://www.reenchantplanetearth.com

Marilyn describes her philosophy behind the Re-Enchant Planet Earth project. Re-Enchanters are global citizens interested in sustainability. One purpose of reenchantplanetearth.com is to connect people. Another purpose is to allow a space to talk about fear. By talking about what our fears are, we lessen the power fear has over us.
http://www.reenchantplanetearth.com

Conflict usually involves a lot of emotion and reactivity. When we are reactive, we lose our ability to think things through clearly. Aleya Dao and I will be talking about these common experiences in this show and invite you to email me at info@lawyertopeacemaker.com with your comments and questions.
Reactivity is controlled by deep brain functions located in the amygdala. We have two amygdalae, located in each brain hemisphere. The amygdalae act as early warning systems and trigger us into action if a threat is perceived. Interestingly, the amygdalae cannot distinguish between a physical threat, a social insult, or a bad memory. The opporutnities for triggers is therefore plentiful. Anger and Inner Peace, Finding Peace Within, Reactivity, Difficult People Forgiveness

Conflict escalates in five stages. As people enter the next higher stage, their reactivity is more intense and their ability to reason their way out of the problem diminishes. The only way to de-escalate is work back through the stages one at a time.

The tools for dealing with triggers and reactivity include self-awareness, feeling emotions and identifying them within you, looking for the lessons to be learned from the moment, and practicing that which you wish to master. Aleya tells us about the energetic fields that can be used to shift reactivity.

Learn to read emotional data fields to help others who are reactive and triggered. The emotional data field consists of the layers of emotions a person is experiencing in conflict situations. We can help people de-escalate by acknowledging and identifying their emotions for them in the moment.

Many of us have experienced a need for vengeance—to get back at the other guy. Sometimes it is a passing desire and sometimes it becomes an all consuming goal. What is vengeance, where does it come from, and what is its relationship to retribution, justice and forgiveness. I will be talking about these common experiences in this show and invite you to email me at info@lawyertopeacemaker.com with your comments and questions. We start by looking at vengeance in literature, particularly as described by Alexander Dumas’ in his famous novel The Count of Monte Cristo. Vengeance arises from a sense of lost honor identity that has been severely attacked. Vengeance is a powerful emotion that cannot be assauged with persuasion or logic.

Vengeance is often wrapped around identity. Identity is at a primal level a right to claim group resources. When identity is threatened by violence or some other act, deep resentment can arise.

Recall how Ahab, the captain of the whaling ship Pequod, is driven to madness in his desire for revenge against the great white whale Moby Dick. In the end, his desire for vengeance destroys him, his ship,and all of the crew except for Ishmael. The key to dealing with this deep vengeance is through empathy. Empathy has its roots in mirror neurons. There are many levels of empathy and the greatest gift is to be able to create an empathic space for a person with deep resentment.

Forgiveness is a process not an event. The transformation from rage, anger, and the desire for vengeance through the process of forgiveness can be profound as witnessed by the story I tell.

Many people face the chaos of internal personal conflict and conflict with others. It seems that we are expected by our society and culture to deal with conflict as adults, yet we for the most part are not taught the skills necessary to find inner or outer peace in our lives. Imagine if those skills could be taught through horses. My guest Maja Ramsey does just that. Her Steadfast Clinic uses horses to teach people inner and outer peace skills. Maja Ramsey is a mediator and former trial lawyer. She was acclaimed by TIME Magazine as one of the top 10 women lawyers in America. Maja is a graduate of California Poly Technic University and received her law degree from La Verne Law School. She, with three other distinguished women lawyers from the San Francisco Bay Area, founded the Rock Rose Institute, which supports, promotes and advances non-violent conflict resolution through education, improved communication and a deeper understanding of justice. The Steadfast Clinic, for both experience horsemen and people who have never seen a horse before, teaches people to be present, to observe, to be in the flow. Horses are great teachers and communicators. As Maja explains, horses work best with collaboration, and learning to collaborate with horses teaches us much about conflict transformation.

Many people face the chaos of internal personal conflict and conflict with others. It seems that we are expected by our society and culture to deal with conflict as adults, yet we for the most part are not taught the skills necessary to find inner or outer peace in our lives. Imagine if those skills could be taught through horses. My guest Maja Ramsey does just that. Her Steadfast Clinic uses horses to teach people inner and outer peace skills. Maja Ramsey is a mediator and former trial lawyer. She was acclaimed by TIME Magazine as one of the top 10 women lawyers in America. Maja is a graduate of California Poly Technic University and received her law degree from La Verne Law School. She, with three other distinguished women lawyers from the San Francisco Bay Area, founded the Rock Rose Institute, which supports, promotes and advances non-violent conflict resolution through education, improved communication and a deeper understanding of justice. The Steadfast Clinic, for both experience horsemen and people who have never seen a horse before, teaches people to be present, to observe, to be in the flow. Horses are great teachers and communicators. As Maja explains, horses work best with collaboration, and learning to collaborate with horses teaches us much about conflict transformation.

Many people face the chaos of internal personal conflict and conflict with others. It seems that we are expected by our society and culture to deal with conflict as adults, yet we for the most part are not taught the skills necessary to find inner or outer peace in our lives. Imagine if those skills could be taught through horses. My guest Maja Ramsey does just that. Her Steadfast Clinic uses horses to teach people inner and outer peace skills. Maja Ramsey is a mediator and former trial lawyer. She was acclaimed by TIME Magazine as one of the top 10 women lawyers in America. Maja is a graduate of California Poly Technic University and received her law degree from La Verne Law School. She, with three other distinguished women lawyers from the San Francisco Bay Area, founded the Rock Rose Institute, which supports, promotes and advances non-violent conflict resolution through education, improved communication and a deeper understanding of justice. The Steadfast Clinic, for both experience horsemen and people who have never seen a horse before, teaches people to be present, to observe, to be in the flow. Horses are great teachers and communicators. As Maja explains, horses work best with collaboration, and learning to collaborate with horses teaches us much about conflict transformation.

Many people face the chaos of internal personal conflict and conflict with others. It seems that we are expected by our society and culture to deal with conflict as adults, yet we for the most part are not taught the skills necessary to find inner or outer peace in our lives. Imagine if those skills could be taught through horses. My guest Maja Ramsey does just that. Her Steadfast Clinic uses horses to teach people inner and outer peace skills. Maja Ramsey is a mediator and former trial lawyer. She was acclaimed by TIME Magazine as one of the top 10 women lawyers in America. Maja is a graduate of California Poly Technic University and received her law degree from La Verne Law School. She, with three other distinguished women lawyers from the San Francisco Bay Area, founded the Rock Rose Institute, which supports, promotes and advances non-violent conflict resolution through education, improved communication and a deeper understanding of justice. The Steadfast Clinic, for both experience horsemen and people who have never seen a horse before, teaches people to be present, to observe, to be in the flow. Horses are great teachers and communicators. As Maja explains, horses work best with collaboration, and learning to collaborate with horses teaches us much about conflict transformation.

We expect kids up through their teens to fight with their parents. Its part of growing up and learning. But what we don’t expect are the fights between adult children and their parents. In this show, my co-host, Aleya Dao, and I take up this troublesome issue. Why do adult children fight with their parents? And how can those fights be transformed into peace. We start by identifying some of the common themes of fights between adult children and their parents, including health, money, alcohol and drug abuse, second (or third) spouses, child rearing including discipline, education, and religion, opinions about children’s spouses, and politics.

What are the hidden relationship issues? These issues drive many of the fights, and we are not aware of them. They include respect manifested by disrespect, insults; freedom manifested by unhealthy control; autonomy manifested by unhealthy or manipulative power; safety manifested by fear; love manifested by smothering and guilt; and abundance manifested by hoarding, stinginess, not being generous.

What are the hidden identity issues? They include self-esteem manifested by competition, self-worth manifested by arrogance rather than humility, gratitude and appreciation manifested by resentment, commitment to self manifested by selfishness, self-control manifested by guilt, healthy pride and self-esteem manifested by shame.

Some simple questions indicate much about how adult children respond to their parents. For example:
• Who am I if I am not my mother?
• Who is my father closer to - me or mother?
• What can I do so that my mother accepts me as an adult?
• Is it OK to be happier than my mother?
• Why do I want my mother's approval?

What a great Valentine’s Day topic! Mars vs. Venus. Men and women fighting. It seems like every couple, whether dating, committed or married, at one time or another has a fight. In many relationships, the conflicts escalate until the relationship feels like it is not worth preserving. What is going on that we fight with the person we love the most? My co-host is Aleya Dao and together we explore the war between the sexes. Men and women have different perspectives, different communication styles, and different needs at different times. Aleya and I talk about these differences from the female and male perspective.