The Doug Noll Show

Conflict usually involves a lot of emotion and reactivity. When we are reactive, we lose our ability to think things through clearly. Aleya Dao and I will be talking about these common experiences in this show and invite you to email me at info@lawyertopeacemaker.com with your comments and questions.
Reactivity is controlled by deep brain functions located in the amygdala. We have two amygdalae, located in each brain hemisphere. The amygdalae act as early warning systems and trigger us into action if a threat is perceived. Interestingly, the amygdalae cannot distinguish between a physical threat, a social insult, or a bad memory. The opporutnities for triggers is therefore plentiful. Anger and Inner Peace, Finding Peace Within, Reactivity, Difficult People Forgiveness

Conflict escalates in five stages. As people enter the next higher stage, their reactivity is more intense and their ability to reason their way out of the problem diminishes. The only way to de-escalate is work back through the stages one at a time.

The tools for dealing with triggers and reactivity include self-awareness, feeling emotions and identifying them within you, looking for the lessons to be learned from the moment, and practicing that which you wish to master. Aleya tells us about the energetic fields that can be used to shift reactivity.

Learn to read emotional data fields to help others who are reactive and triggered. The emotional data field consists of the layers of emotions a person is experiencing in conflict situations. We can help people de-escalate by acknowledging and identifying their emotions for them in the moment.

Anger and conflict go hand in hand. Every argument involves anger and anger is part of life. Why do we become angry? How can we deal with our own anger? How do we deal with the anger of others? And how do we deal with people in our lives that are perpetually angry? In this show, we look at anger from the perspective of the peacemaker. There are four kinds of anger and each reflects a very different behavior. Of course, angry behavior is rooted in neuropsychology, so we look at the brain’s fear response system as a source of anger in the brain. In dealing with anger, we look at our own anger and its causes. Likewise, we look at other people’s anger and talk about how we might work with it. Finally, we consider the problem of violent anger and how to respond and not respond to it. Tune in for an informative show.

Continued Anger Discussion

Continued Anger Discussion

Continued Anger Discussion

Ever noticed how in an argument or fight, the conflict usually seems to escalate rather than calm down? In this show, we will be looking at conflict escalation—why arguments and fights become heated. We start some recent studies about the brain and beliefs, look at the goals people bring to conflict, and then discuss the five stages of conflict escalation. Finally, we share some of the secrets of how peacemakers de-escalate conflicts.

In this show, we will be looking at conflict escalation—why arguments and fights become heated.

In this show, we will be looking at conflict escalation—why arguments and fights become heated.

In this show, we will be looking at conflict escalation—why arguments and fights become heated.

What are the three topics your mother said never to raise in polite company? And what are the three topics that drive human resources managers crazy? And what are the three topics that define us as human beings in terms of the most important values and beliefs. You got it — Sex, Politics and Religion. In this show, we talk about sex, politics, and religion at the office. Why are these hot buttons? Is it possible to even talk about these issues without drawing the ire of HR or bringing down a lawsuit? How do we build healthy attitudes towards sex, politics, and religion at the office?

In this show, we talk about sex, politics, and religion at the office.

In this show, we talk about sex, politics, and religion at the office.

In this show, we talk about sex, politics, and religion at the office.

We expect kids up through their teens to fight with their parents. Its part of growing up and learning. But what we don’t expect are the fights between adult children and their parents. In this show, my co-host, Aleya Dao, and I take up this troublesome issue. Why do adult children fight with their parents? And how can those fights be transformed into peace. We start by identifying some of the common themes of fights between adult children and their parents, including health, money, alcohol and drug abuse, second (or third) spouses, child rearing including discipline, education, and religion, opinions about children’s spouses, and politics.

What are the hidden relationship issues? These issues drive many of the fights, and we are not aware of them. They include respect manifested by disrespect, insults; freedom manifested by unhealthy control; autonomy manifested by unhealthy or manipulative power; safety manifested by fear; love manifested by smothering and guilt; and abundance manifested by hoarding, stinginess, not being generous.

What are the hidden identity issues? They include self-esteem manifested by competition, self-worth manifested by arrogance rather than humility, gratitude and appreciation manifested by resentment, commitment to self manifested by selfishness, self-control manifested by guilt, healthy pride and self-esteem manifested by shame.

Some simple questions indicate much about how adult children respond to their parents. For example:
• Who am I if I am not my mother?
• Who is my father closer to - me or mother?
• What can I do so that my mother accepts me as an adult?
• Is it OK to be happier than my mother?
• Why do I want my mother's approval?

What a great Valentine’s Day topic! Mars vs. Venus. Men and women fighting. It seems like every couple, whether dating, committed or married, at one time or another has a fight. In many relationships, the conflicts escalate until the relationship feels like it is not worth preserving. What is going on that we fight with the person we love the most? My co-host is Aleya Dao and together we explore the war between the sexes. Men and women have different perspectives, different communication styles, and different needs at different times. Aleya and I talk about these differences from the female and male perspective.

It’s not about the money! Aleya and I talk about symbolic content issues like shopping, sports, money, sex, children, parents. These seem to be what the fight is about, but not really. Tune in and find out what is really going on.

Learning to make peace with your partner. Aleya and I have some basic tools for you to make peace with your partner and we demonstrate in actual conversations how to do it. Learn how and why to create a safe space for difficult conversations, set some ground rules, and engage in various kinds of empathic listening.

Continuation of Segment 3

My guest is Dan Millstein, author of the book The One Minute Miracle. Dan spent 18 years in prisons around the world teaching inmates how to be self-aware, non-reactive teachers of peace. His book explains a simple and elegant guided meditation composed of twelve affirmations and twelve yoga hand positions, called mudras. As each affirmation is spoken, the hands change to a different position. This simple ceremony changed prisoners and prison populations, sometimes dramatically. Today, Dan is putting out the idea of creating 108 million Teachers of Peace. Again, by affirmation, he wonders what would happen if 108 million people declared themselves each to be a Teacher Peace. More information about Dan and his work can be found at www.visionsforprisons.com and www.teacherofpeace.com . Join us for a interesting conversation about Dan’s work.
http://www.teacherofpeace.com

Dan Millstein, Author of "The One Minute Miracle"
http://www.teacherofpeace.com

Dan Millstein, Author of "The One Minute Miracle"
http://www.teacherofpeace.com

Dan Millstein, Author of "The One Minute Miracle"
http://www.teacherofpeace.com