The Doug Noll Show

Patty Wipfler, Founding Director of Hand in Hand, tells us a little about her background and what led her into teaching parents how to create close connections with their children. Children have a critical need for deep connection because connection helps them unload accumulated unresolved emotions. Tantrums and meltdowns are nature’s way of helping children clear their emotional fields so they can return to normalcy. By creating close connections with their children, parents help the children master self-control, emotional balance, and inner tranquility. The website is handinhandparenting.org and it has some great resources for parents learning these practices.
http://www.handinhandparenting.org/

The first tool is StayListening. In StayListening, the child is having a tantrum, fit, or meltdown. The technique is to move in, maintain eye contact, and don’t say much. Active listening does not work because the child is completely emotional at the moment. Sometimes, a parent has to StayListen for 2-30 minutes. Keeping the connection with the child through close physical proximity and eye contact is the key. While this is an investment of time, what you get back is a totally different child. The child becomes healthy, happy, and a joy to be with.
http://www.handinhandparenting.org/

The second tool is Special Time. In Special Time, the parent gives the child his or complete and undivided attention for a set period of time (5-30 minutes). During that time, the parent does whatever the child wants to do. Multitasking is not allowed. The parent’s focus of attention is completely on the child. Let the child do whatever he or she wants as long as its not dangerous and will not break anything worth more than $50. When a parent StayListens, the child will open up and show what’s going on inside. It creates a close connection and a sense of deep safety in the child. The third tools is Setting Limits. When a child is off track and acting out, his or her forebrain is offline. There is no connection with anyone at the moment. In Setting Limits, the parent holds the child, stops the behavior gently, and says only once what the boundary is. Usually, the child will go into a tantrum. Then the exercise becomes a StayListen until the child is back to normal.
http://www.handinhandparenting.org/

Parenting is hard, time-consuming work. Parents are over-pressured by jobs, commutes, other children, and spouses to really connect with their children. One tool for coping with this stress is to create a Listening Partner with another parent. On a regular basis, the listening partners meet. One parent speaks for 20-30 minutes about what he or she is experiencing with the children. The listening parent says nothing, but gives complete attention. Then the roles are reversed. Over time, a safe space is created for sharing emotions. By engaging in Listening Partners, parents give themselves the outlet necessary to process their frustration, anger, annoyance and joy of raising children.
http://www.handinhandparenting.org/