The Doug Noll Show

In 1981, Roger Fisher and Bill Ury, both of Harvard, published “Getting to Yes” that left me unsettled. The way Fisher and Ury describe interest-based negotiation seemed manipulative and not in integrity. As with many conflict resolution and negotiation books, I took what was useful to me and discarded the rest. About a month ago, I read “Beyond Dealmaking” written by another Harvard scholar, Melanie Billings-Yun. Amazingly, Melanie saw the flaws in Fisher and Ury’s work and found the elements that were missing. In a nutshell, Melanie tells us to negotiate relationships, not deals. I invited Melanie onto the show and she is here to talk to us and answer questions about her work. Melanie has a Ph.D. from Harvard University in diplomatic history, an M.Sc. from the London School of Economics, and a B.S. with high honors from Portland State University. She has a professional consulting firm with a list of top international companies as clients. A native of Portland, Oregon, Melanie has lived and worked in London, Paris, Bangkok, Hong Kong, Seoul, Indonesia, and Singapore. She currently works from Washington, DC, and teaches at the Master of International Management program at Portland State University.

I ask Melanie what she would tell the political leaders in Washington DC now that the Democrats no longer have a filibuster-proof Senate? Melanie observes that politicians, like all people, look out for their own interests first. In order to make any deal work, you must offer somebody something tangible that satisfies an important interest. Many people feel that they offer up something tangible, they are showing weakness. However, Melanie says that people overestimate the fear of negative outcomes. Therefore, she says that in order to get, you must be willing to give. Matt from Boston called to ask if international deal making was different and culturally based. Melanie observes that most cultures require trust before any kind of business deal can be made. United States and the Anglo-American culture is in a minority of cultures where that is not always true. I ask Melanie when relationships should be the focus of negotiation as opposed to the deal. Melanie says that the greater the difference between the people and the negotiation the more important relationship building becomes. The more similarities people share in a relationship, the less relationship building must occur. Nancy from Portland observes that negotiation seems a man's game. Women are afraid of negotiation because of the conflict but negotiation presents. Melanie says that if you do not like conflict, you might avoid it, you might not be prepared, or you might have a fear reaction. The best solution has to be prepared and to think ahead about what you expect in terms of behaviors and outcomes.

I take up Nancy's question and points out that women as negotiators have many natural skills. Among other things, when facing rude, disruptive behavior from men, women can likely ask that the behavior desist. I relate how I have seen women stop aggressive men in their tracks by simply asking for civil, polite behavior. Melanie says that women must learn to get over the fear of negotiation and, at the same time, learn not to feed the bears. In other words, if you are fearful going into negotiation, a dominant, aggressive person will be fed by your fear and persist in unproductive behavior. Melanie and I talk about reprogramming “the cringe,” which is the reaction people have when presented with high conflict. Melanie and I agreed that reprogramming occurs by not being surprised emotions and expecting outbursts. I point out that people in conflict and negotiation have standard sets of habitual behaviors that repeat themselves time after time. The set of behaviors is small and can be easily understood with some training and practice. Diane from Orlando asks for suggestions in short-term negotiations where there is no relationship. Melanie and I agree that you should never yell, you should always be polite and kind, you should try the empathic, you should thank the person serving you for their assistance even though they may not have any power to do anything for you, and most importantly, if the problem is not solved gracefully, withdraw.

I ask Melanie to describe the four pillars of negotiating relationships. The first pillar is to build a productive relationship by focusing on the person, not the deal. Second, focus on the outcome, not on winning or losing points. Third, engage in problem solving rather than argument by asking questions in open, authentic way. Finally, focus on fairness. Melanie points out that there are three qualities to fairness which are allowing people to have a fair hearing and listening with respect and consideration. Allowing for a sense of equity and that whatever division is discussed is reasonable or least has reasonable explanations. Finally, fairness involves integrity, which means fulfilling the promises that you have made. Melanie can be reached through her website
http://www.beyond-dealmaking.com.